thisistherealdeal

I don't want to sound depressing or anything because I'm not depressed, I've just been wondering about all the things that wouldn't have been said if I died today. I swear I'm perfectly fine too, but i mean, seriously, don't you ever wonder if there are too many things unsaid, too many things that you're afraid to say, afraid to show?
I've honestly thought about writing notes to friends and family and hiding it if anything ever happened to me. The scariest thing for me is not death, but leaving people in the air, the ellipsis of life, not having said what I wanted to say.
I want to tell people how much they've inspired me in the most unexpected ways and in the smallest things, that I'm sorry for screwing up and messing up, that you have no idea how much I love you. Why is it that the most important things are always the hardest things to say? Why is it that you can tell every insignificant person that you love them, but can't to the ones you love most? Life is ironic like that. People are ironic like that. If I actually wrote a letter to every person that I had things to say to, the letters would probably be endless. It's not just the people that have been there all along, it's the people that I've just met too. It's hard for me to forget people that have mysteriously come into my life, for whatever reason and for however long, maybe because I refuse to believe that anything happens by chance. That's too random, too accidental.
I wish I could tell you that you're smart and that you'll go far. I wish I could be real, but I'm scared to be.
I guess the older we grow, the more we have to lose, or so it seems.
I wish I could tell you that I'm happy for you, but I don't miss you. I'm glad that we're both fine.
I wish I could tell them how much I love them, that I can't imagine life without them and that I appreciate everything they do for me.
I wish I could tell him that he's changed, and I wish we could just go back sometimes, to that night, that bus ride, that summer.
I just want to thank anyone that has ever given me a genuine smile and anyone that has loved me for a single second. Thank you for loving me. Really.